:://that’s so cliche. stuck in a black black pit of bad.
(all you ACWH geeks get this)
i’ve been writing, or trying to write, actual stuff lately…but i’m upset, and don’t want to risk coloring my words with teen angst of the unremarkable variety. i hate myself these days for putting my happiness in the palm of someone else’s hand. i always used to say that people who allowed others to be in control of their happiness were disgusting and ridiculous…but it seems i’ve fallen into exactly the same trap. and honestly…. i haven’t the foggiest idea of what to do about it. it’s subconscious, i swear. but it’s as if… someone gives a little…and suddenly they’ve kicked open that door and now you can see what all there could be, it’s all just waiting for you out there…if they’d only give a little more. and you forget that this, what you have right now…is what you were only dreaming of a little while ago. and suddenly, it’s not enough, and it never will be enough. and then, when things go back to normal… all you can think of, is what you used to have… it’s a vicious cycle. especially when you can’t even fathom what it is that you’re constantly trying to move closer towards, the goal itself isn’t clear, just that you must get there, or at least come closer to it. i can’t function, can’t sleep, can’t work, can’t do anything productive, because my mind is so restless. i try to induce myself to work, by offering incentives… i will watch 20 minutes of TV, if only i can just do this Lit assignment. but honestly, even my incentive breaks…can’t soothe me enough to work, for what i want…what i crave…what will actually soothe me…still remains elusive. and everytime this happens, i tell myself…that it has never been this bad before…but it seems to me, i’ve heard this wordless tune before, several times or more. yet…i never seem to learn how to deafen my ears to it’s haunting strains. perhaps, this weekend will revitalize me.