i bounce. i sing. i richochet. i do not remain still. i seek stasis. i find none.

i am hung up on the concept of value. deep thoughts. intelligent people. meaningful relationships. best friends. true sparks. soul mates.

i like important things rather than mere things. i realize that in order for there to be one, there must necessarily be the other. importance is derived from the idea that some things, are, by their very nature, insufficient or less than other things. i am okay with that, just so long as i am able to delineate between the two.

i guess i just don’t really like the color gray. this was supposed to be the year i realized that everything was gray, and that there were no definables in life. that nothing was clear cut and dry, that even hindsight wasn’t 20/20, that it was merely just another view. that trying to remove subjectivity is impossible, and that true objectivity is merely a composite of subjective factors.

but it seems i can’t get away from extremism when it comes to the important things. love is tied closely to hate. it isn’t tied to like, nor to wishy washy feelings of affection. if love is the white, then hate is its black, yet there exists no gray. you can’t sit on the fence, you must fall to one side. chances are good that you won’t remain in any one place, but that rather you’ll exist in transit. that movement, that delirium, that “bouncing” from one place to another is what constitutes the middle ground. there is love, there is hate, and there is perpetual uncertainty. there is stability in the extremes, and doubt in between. there, is however, no waffling. you pay for indecision dearly.

and this paradox does not exist only in regards to love. in regards to time it exists too. either you are always looking forwards, always anticipating more — a faster, better, higher, brighter future, regarding every thing a means to an end and never accepting anything as a stopping point. or,  you choose to believe that more is not more. that there is no more, that nothing is better, and that after a certain point, what looks brighter is really just a different color. you stop, you “settle”, you commit. there is no middle ground. you cannot commit to the present temporarily, for to do so is to embrace two warring philosophies. either you run or you stand. there is no walking in life.

either you believe in god, or you don’t. there is agnosticism, and then there is atheism. there is nothing in between. agnostics still acknowledge that there is a god, it is the most indefinate form of spiritualism, lacking even the commitment to a specific god, yet even agnostics make a commitment to the idea of a higher being. the next stop is atheism, which denies the existence of god. there is nothing in between. either we’re on the apple cart, or we aren’t.

there are no qualifiers. i want some. i can’t commit. i can’t decide. i can’t pick. i go from lightness to darkness, blinking all the while at the sudden change of brightness. i have a perpetual headache, and am always digging my heels into the ground beneath me, unsure of when it will suddenly drop away. at the base of every problem that troubles me, sleeping, or waking is the basic query. do i, don’t i. will i, won’t i. should i, shouldn’t i. does he, doesn’t he.  am i, aren’t i.

i bounce. i sing. i richochet. i do not remain still. i seek stasis. i find none.


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