it wasn’t that i forgot. merely that after a certain time, the memory stopped accompanying me everywhere i went. it stayed behind, the way a city stays behind as a train pulls out of the station. it’s there, somewhere behind you, and you could go back and make sure of it. but why should you?

i’m starting a new chapter in my life. and with this new beginning, i want to be more than a sum total of my memories. i want to leave what was in the past, behind me – i want to live each day as it comes, breathing the air, drinking the drink, tasting the fruit, and appreciating each in its own right.

i used to believe that “getting over” something wasn’t a conscious choice a person could make. that to make a concerted effort to stop clinging to some old memory — was akin to railing at a thunderstorm. that is: useless.

but these days my thinking has shifted. men lose limbs, parts of them are cut off. and they are given the choice to atrophy…or to adapt and not break their stride.

i can cut out part of my heart. i can stop reminscing, i can move on — incredibly enough, such progress isn’t borne out of our subconscious, but out of our determination to embrace the present.

some parts of me do not want to move beyond my memory. after all, why chase something else, when what i’ve already experienced was enough to fulfill me? why not merely enjoy my contentment. i don’t know if i believe in fate or that everything happens for a reason, but if i did — i suppose i would say that this turn of events merely means that even bigger and better things await me. that aside, i know i believe that we make our own happiness and i am sure that i will find something in my present and my future which will fulfill me in its own way. 

plus, as content as i would be to dwell in the past, the past no longer wants me. i’ve been thrown out of the recesses of my memory, i’ve outstayed my welcome. i need to move into my own place, i can’t go on renting a room in my childhood house any longer. perhaps, i will be able to revisit the scene in some time. but for now, i need to set up shop elsewhere.

so here’s one last kiss blown in memory’s general direction (cliched, i know). and here’s a determination to move along. i will be back after a time when i can return in a nonwistful capacity. and maybe one day, the possibility that haunted me for so long….will finally get a chance to become a reality and maybe then, the past will become the future. for now i’m living in the here and now. i’m not forgetting though, i’ll never forget.

glasses up, here’s to what tommorow brings.


6 thoughts on “

  1. Serena,If this is about what I think it’s about and not just in reference to the larger goodbyes at hand; I applaud you. Thank God you’ve finally wised up and are moving on. You’ve been mired in the past for far too long. Welcome back to the here and now. And also,  it’s nice to see the site has done some growing up too — I like the new backdrop.
    Guestname: Bobby


  2. Serena,
    I just want to say that I love the way your xanga works. To a casual observer, your entries may just seem like you’re waxing philosophical, but do your friends — they’re carefully encoded updates on major events in your life. -Dan-Oh, and I fully support this decision!


    And if you’re a tad too lazy (or wary) to check out the link i’ve cut and paste it out for you:
    dewdropdreamer ) another person whose entries I look forward to. I am constantly amazed by your skill with words and expressing how you feel with the unspoken language. You’re going through a tough time now, what with all the changes you have to face, but I hope the transition goes smoothly. Truly, your words have been so insightful to me, even though I barely know you, for often my own thoughts and feelings have been expressed by you better than I myself could have. This, I believe, is the sign of a true writer.
    And hope all goes well.


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