it wasn’t that i forgot. merely that after a certain time, the memory stopped accompanying me everywhere i went. it stayed behind, the way a city stays behind as a train pulls out of the station. it’s there, somewhere behind you, and you could go back and make sure of it. but why should you?
i’m starting a new chapter in my life. and with this new beginning, i want to be more than a sum total of my memories. i want to leave what was in the past, behind me – i want to live each day as it comes, breathing the air, drinking the drink, tasting the fruit, and appreciating each in its own right.
i used to believe that “getting over” something wasn’t a conscious choice a person could make. that to make a concerted effort to stop clinging to some old memory — was akin to railing at a thunderstorm. that is: useless.
but these days my thinking has shifted. men lose limbs, parts of them are cut off. and they are given the choice to atrophy…or to adapt and not break their stride.
i can cut out part of my heart. i can stop reminscing, i can move on — incredibly enough, such progress isn’t borne out of our subconscious, but out of our determination to embrace the present.
some parts of me do not want to move beyond my memory. after all, why chase something else, when what i’ve already experienced was enough to fulfill me? why not merely enjoy my contentment. i don’t know if i believe in fate or that everything happens for a reason, but if i did — i suppose i would say that this turn of events merely means that even bigger and better things await me. that aside, i know i believe that we make our own happiness and i am sure that i will find something in my present and my future which will fulfill me in its own way.
plus, as content as i would be to dwell in the past, the past no longer wants me. i’ve been thrown out of the recesses of my memory, i’ve outstayed my welcome. i need to move into my own place, i can’t go on renting a room in my childhood house any longer. perhaps, i will be able to revisit the scene in some time. but for now, i need to set up shop elsewhere.
so here’s one last kiss blown in memory’s general direction (cliched, i know). and here’s a determination to move along. i will be back after a time when i can return in a nonwistful capacity. and maybe one day, the possibility that haunted me for so long….will finally get a chance to become a reality and maybe then, the past will become the future. for now i’m living in the here and now. i’m not forgetting though, i’ll never forget.
glasses up, here’s to what tommorow brings.