life only allows us to be one person at a time. i always used to love that my personality was an oscillation between two extremes, i believed that i could exist as a tangible paradox and somehow still maintain some sort of quantifiable indentity.

in retrospect, we can’t try on different personalities as we do hats because inevitably they will stick with us, long after we’ve tried to discard them.

i was never the party girl in high school – i don’t think i even made it out to any of the large scale parties in naperville. my weekends were legitimately spent at the bookstore with john, or walking around downtown late at night with sully — i never laughed at jokes i didn’t hear, never spent nights in such a fashion that i didn’t remember them the next morning, and never lost myself in the tangling of limbs in an unknown bed.

enter college when those activites became a reality and then started to become the pervasive force in defining the reality i existed within. my foray into the lifestyles of the drunken and the easy was short lived and a little earth shattering. but it was just that – a foray. yet, even as i’ve discarded that reality it seems everyone else assumes that is where i’ve taken up permanent residence. i’ve lost the path home and sometimes i worry it will never quite rematerialize.


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