Few men have virtue to withstand the highest bidder.

Everyone always commends those friends which are “giving” and selfless. We laud them publicly and hold them up as examples for all the world to see. Yet at times, I wonder – doesn’t it become hard to distinguish between the love you have for the utility of your friends as opposed for their essential selves?

This may be egotistical of me, but I have always been that friend. The one who will bring you chicken noodle soup when you are under the weather, the one who will notice that your favorite candy is in season once more and drop off a bag of it on your doorstep, the one who will randomly send you flowers because she feels like brightening your day.

It’s not an act, it really isn’t. It’s merely that when I commit to being someone’s friend – it is an absolute committment. It is as if, their priorities become my priorities as well,. their happiness – mine, their suffering, mine to bear as well. In general, if a person comes to me for help, I will attempt to aid them. But in the case of a dear friend, I actively look out for ways to help them, before they even ask.

However, at the end of the day, I always end up wondering whether it is the trappings of being my friend that people appreciate – or rather the simple pleasure of my company. I cannot fault them for this crisis of faith, for it is my own choice to be so giving of myself, and it is precisely my own doing that makes me feel as if I am only respected for my pretty favors.

Currently, I find myself engaged in a relationship, in which, for the first time – I am not giving anything extra of myself. I have not displayed affection at any turn, nor have I written of my fondness for said person, nor given any unnecessary presents etc etc etc. I hadn’t realized the lack of giving in the relationship at all, until I recently made a small gesture and tried to analyze why it suddenly felt so very foreign to me.

I think I’m going to try this on for size for a bit though. It’s refreshing to know that, in the end, I am worth more than the Burberry scarf I might feel inclined to buy you for your birthday.


2 thoughts on “

  1. ooooooh, serena’s got a boy toy!
    haha jk, don’t mean to sound so childish. i remember the last time that i said that to someone on their xanga… it was sabahat, like 5 months before she frickin got engaged. 😮
    anyways, i’m happy that you finally updated. I hope everything’s going well with you. You ought to come down to the south side and visit me and Sully sometime. :wave:


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